by admin
on Jun 14th, 2008

MY LIFE-FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH

The woman my father married
Year: 1930s

I don’t know a lot about Blyth, Northumberland, only that for some strange reason I visited an awful lot during my life but thought nothing of it. My current fiancee and I would sit for long periods on the old docks at the bottom of Ridley Street area, eating locally purchased cheeseburgers etc.

I remember once booking a romantic table for two in Blyth, but it was a waste of time - she only potted 3 reds!

Much later in my life I learned that my grandfather, James Barns Chilvers, was lost at sea after leaving Blyth harbour on 25th November 1925, on a collier named Galleon, bound for London. She never made it. Only wreckage of the ship was found.

He was born in Hull on the 16th June 1855. He married my grandmother, Dorothy Rose Chilvers, nee Burns, on March 11th 1901, in Gateshead Registry Office.

My grandmothers side of the family goes back hundreds of years and includes Rabbie Burns, the famed Scottish poet. This is probably why my poetry is so well publicised in public arena’s - well in gents toilets anyway. An example of my work in the Saltwell Park urinal is……….

Land of hope and glory
Mother of the free
I don’t like your taxes
Canada for me.

They don’t write them like that anymore

It was with some shock that I learned just yesterday that my maternal grandparents lived in Ridley Street, Blyth, in the early 1900s, giving birth to the woman my father married. It left me with an extremely uncanny feeling of the supernatural. How extra-ordinary!

My birth-mothers name was Isabella Gattis Chilvers, born on the 1st March 1916, in Ridley Street Blyth, yards from where I would sit during my life, not knowing any close family ties with this area at all, but that I just wanted to be there.

Other siblings of the Chilvers family were Ruth Chilvers who died in 1921, Mabel Barnes Chilvers, who married William Parkin at Gateshead Registry Office on the 11th March 1931, Elizabeth Barnes Chilvers who married Hugh Mc Kenna at Gateshead Registry Office on the 8th January 1936, and Edward Burns Chilvers who married Caroline Rutherford on the 6th May 1939.

My maternal grandmother was born Dorothy Tulip Burns on Felling Shore, Gateshead in 1881. She married James Chilvers and then having been widowed she married Patrick Mc Caully, (Paddy), who worked for many years as an engine driver at the Gas Works in the Teams, Gateshead.

Last night I re-visted Ridley Street in Blyth with my sister. It is still there but, not as it was. The old school building still stands in an adjacent street, but I could not find any of the old housing stock of Ridley Street.

I doubt now if anyone still lives that remembers my maternal side of the family in relation to Ridley street. But, if there is I would appreciate contact in order to help me record my family history.

by admin
on Apr 18th, 2008

Funny thing-life?

It’s funny how we humans take to certain animals. We love our dogs, cats, parrots an fish, and would leave no stone unturned to make sure they are well. One of my pets is a Labrador called Benny. He was due a “shot” yesterday so I took him to the vet.

Whilst waiting my turn a bloke dasshes in holding a big dog in both arms, crying, “my dogs been run over, get me the vet”!!!. The vet duly appears and examines the dog. “I’m afraid our dog id dead”. The man breaks down in tears. “I’ve had this dog for 15 years, he cries, “he cannot be dead, I want a second opinion”. The vet walks into his office and re-appears with a cat. The cat starts at the head of the dog, looks carefully at the dog, walks down the dogs back, around its backside, all the way up its belly and back to its head, its eyes never once leaving the dogs body. The cat said, ” this dog is dead”.

“It carn’t be”, cried the man, “I want another opinion”. The vet looked at me, can I borrow your Labrador. The vet took my Labrador to the dead dog. It sniffed the dead dogs head, took his paw and opened the dead dogs eyes, sniffed at its chest the sniffed at its balls.

My dog then said, ” I’ve checked this dogs eyes, there is no sign of life, his heart makes no sound and his guts are not working, I’m absolutely sure this dog is dead”

With this the man is more calm and says to the vet, “alright, he must be dead, how much do I owe you”? “£150″ says the vet. The man explodes. “£150 just for telling me my dog is dead, thats bloody expensive”!

“I was only going to charge you £50″, replies the vet, ” but you insisted on a catscan and a Lab report”.

My daughter runs a local pub. I was there yesterday watching my grandchildren when a stunning blond walked in. She bought a drink and sat next to me. Nervously I looked at my watch. ” Your date late is she”? said this blond.” No, no, no, it’s nothing like that”, I said, it’s my new watch. “Whats special about your new watch”, she asked. “Well it’s a Beta-wave sinkranisor, it sends me wave impulses to tell me whats happening”. “Don’t be daft”, what on earth can a watch tell you”? says she. Well it’s telling me you have no nickers on”. “Well it’s not working, I can assure you my nickers are on”!

“Must be an hour fast”, I said.

Have you read the Sun today. Theres an article saying that after numerous tests scientists have discovered that beer contains female harmones. They took one hundred men and made them drink 12 pints of beer each. After consuming all the beer they discovered that 100% of them talked rubbish and couldn’t drive.

by admin
on Mar 10th, 2008

Advice Letters

One of my pastimes is reading, Law, true stories, ghost stories and letters to magazines.

I read this one the other day from a man seeking advice.

Dear Sally

I have a serious problem I don’t know how to deal with.

I have a girlfriend who is a Sunderland supporter. Her Father has been recently convicted for molesting children and has been jailed. Her mother is a lesbian who has a 15yr old “partner”, they meet in secret in the shed at the back of my house. My girlfriends brother is a drug dealer/user who sells drugs to school children right outside the local school. My own mother is having an affair with a local policman, I often hear them sneaking into the house late at night and using his “trunchion”, making my mother scream in delight. My brother is a homo-sexual and the whole of my family are heroin users, except me. I myself want to become a woman.

My problem is - how can I possibly tell my family and friends that my Girlfriend is - a “Sunderland Supporter?

That’s modern society for ya.

I have a girlfriend that men constantly whistle at.Thats cos she looks like a sheepdog

by admin
on Jan 26th, 2008

family

My younger brother, Paddy, died some two and a bit years ago. I deeply miss him but when your time comes you have to go, and I knowI will not be an exception to this rule,unless I can find a loophole in the Bible.

It makes me recall our childhood together, along with an older brother and four sisters. No, my Father was not a Catholic we just couldn’t afford a TV.

I recall our days in Eighton Banks primary school, a small Village establishment, - in a small Village. It used to be called Barrington Charitable School and was built in 1757.We were six and seven years old, respectively.This true story happened when one day the teacher was educating us on the Law of Gravity. The teacher said to my brother, “Paddy Bull, come to the front of the class and jump in the air”. Paddy did as bid, jumped in the air and landed on the floor again. “Do it again”, said the teacher.Again Paddy jumped in the air and landed on the floor.”Once more”, said the teacher. For the third time Paddy jumped in the air and landed on the floor. “Now Paddy”, teacher said, “why do you always come back to the earth?”"Cause I live here”,Paddy exclaimed.

Opposite the school was the equally old Church of St. Thomas. Eighton Banks was in the Parish of St. Thomas. I recall my brother finding a human skull in the Churchyard and bringing it into the school yard, a nowsacraligious act, but in those days it was looked on as a gruesome act of a young boy.

In the summer the whole area was festoned in mother nature’s glory. An old Roman Camp lay at the back of the school and open country-side thereafter up to the boudry of the Springwell council Estate, a once nicearea to live among open fields as far as the eye could see, right down to South Shield, but now an estate of yobbish behaviours and crime, making it one of the worst place’s to live in Gateshead.

Christmass times were hard for us, being such a large family.Dad always worked though, never ever claiming state benifits, he worked till he dropped. I recall the Christmass of 1954, a particularlly good year for us. We filled bags of coal from the pit-heap, pushed them home on our bikes through six feet of snow, up-hill both ways,re-visted the pit-heap, got more coal and sold it to neighbours we hadn’t borrowed off, for 6d a bag. With the proceeds we bought a small Christmass cake among the ten of us. Bro’ was given a small piece. “Mam”, he chirped, “can I have two pieces”? “Of course”, she replied, “cut that one in half!” She was a hard woman.

Despite the severe hardship these were very happy days to Bro’ and me. Cricket on the field with mates, football, fishing for newts, chasing wild rabbits, foxes and birds. At Easter time every child in the street got new clothes. My mother bought one new hat and stood us in turn at the window. Girls were abundent, Glady’s Gallon, Carol Clayton, Heather, Gloria Richardson, Dot, ?? Starr, Liz Iverson, Kathy, Carol Cook, Angila Belford,and so many more whose names I no longer recall. I thank them all for the great pleasure of knowing them.

Mates too were of great value and importance during our childhood and youth. George Harrison, Tim Shield, Malcolm ??Dennis Tottin, Ray Richardson, the man who got me interested in guitar playing, Harry and Fred Bullock, Tony, Arther and Steven Gallon, Fred across the road from Tony Gallons who smoked like a trooper, Ian Flemming, and many, many more.Thanks guys, I have fond memories of you all.

by admin
on Jan 7th, 2008

Tit-Bit

Gorden Brown in trouble again I see. This time the Cadbury Foundation is criticising the adverts on TV that recruit to the Army. They say it “gloryfies/glamourises war without showing the real role of the soldier”. I may be old but I always believed that soldiers fought wars.I must be out of touch or maybe the Cadbury Foundation just wants chocolate soldiers.

In the bad old days men were not “Recruited” to the army, they bravely voluntered or were “shanghaid” into its ranks.

My Father was in the second World war. At the battle of the Somme he was awarded the Military Cross for outstanding bravery. He single handedly destroyed the enemies communications system - he ate the pidgeon.

by admin
on Jan 5th, 2008

America here we come

My son has just visited America. In my day of course you needed a passport to visit Gateshead, but these days travel is easy and available to all.

Whilst he was there a Yankie was bragging about his homeland. “Why”, said the yankie, ” I can get into my car at 7am in the morning, drive all day, and still be on my land at 7pm at night”!

My son replied, “I had a car like that once”.

by admin
on Sep 3rd, 2007

Snap-ons

I hate many things about this world, taxes, discrimination in benefits, Emmersons cooking, to name a few. My biggest hate is the lack of common sense law in this Country. Female paedophiles get probation, males get prison. Young yobs get fined 25 for committing 25 crimes, a female muderer gets 5yrs probation, a male one - life imprisonment.

A female harbouring guns in her house gets 2yrs community order, a male gun harbourer - 4yrs behind bars. The list is endless. The law itself is strong enough its Magistrates and Judges who constantly fail to protect society by handing down stupid sentences that are never the same in any area. Burgle a house in a posh area, you will get prison. Burgle one in a working class area - you will get a fine or a community order. Is there a web-site collating views on law/order? if not one needs to be set up! Let me have your views.

Last night my girfriend, Emmerson, and I had some friends around. We had a pleasant evening at the end of which my friend said, “I would like to say farewell to Emmerson”. “Would’nt we all”, I said.

Age is a funny thing, it slowsyou down.I now get winded playing chess.

by admin
on Apr 29th, 2007

What Dad means to us!

Me, Danny and Jenny wrote this when I was16 years old, Just to show how we feel about our dad. I feel it is still true to date.

We called it ” An ode to dad”

When ever we’re in need of help
When ever we’re in doubt
We turn to our dear pa pa
And he will help us out
When things go wrong at anytime
When there’s an ounce of trouble
We ask for his loving help
And he gives it on the double
He takes life bad points on the chin
And still manages to give a grin
We’ve written this just to say
We love you dad, don’t ever go away.

We all appreiciate everything you have done for us. Especially me.

Dave

by admin
on Feb 2nd, 2007

GLOBAL WARMING.

I AM NEVER SURE IF I SHOULD BELIEVE THE SCIENTIFIC OUTCRY AS TO HUMANS BEING THE MAIN CAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING. I HAVE A FUNNY , UNEASY FEELING THAT THIS IS PART OF THE NATURAL PROGRESS OF LIFE ON PLANET EARTH.

HOWEVER, THIS REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE BABY POLAR BEAR WHO SAID TO HIS MOTHER, ” MAM, AM I A POLAR BEAR?”. “OF COURSE YOU ARE A POLAR BEAR”, SHE REPLIED, ” YOUR MOTHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR FATHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR SISTER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR GRANDADS A POLAR BEAR, YOUR GRANDMA’S A POLAR BEAR,– THAT MAKES YOU A POLAR BEAR!

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER THE YOUNG POLAR BEAR SAID TO HIS FATHER, “DAD, AM I REALLY A POLAR BEAR?” “OF COURSE YOUR A POLAR BEAR”, REPLIED DAD. ” YOUR MOTHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR FATHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR SISTER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR GRANDAD’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR GRANNIE’S A POLAR BEAR, — THAT MAKES YOU A POLAR BEAR!

MINUTES LATER THE YOUNG BEAR SPOKE TO HIS SISTER. “SIS, ARE WE REALLY POLAR BEAR’S?. “OF COURSE”, SAID HIS SISTER. “YOUR MOTHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR FATHER’S A POLAR BEAR,I’M A POLAR BEAR, YOUR GRANDAD’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR GRANDMA’S A POLAR BEAR,– THAT MAKES YOU A POLAR BEAR.

SHORTLY AFTER THIS THE CHILD BEAR SPEAKS TO HIS GRANDAD. “GRANDAD, ARE YOU SURE I’M A POLAR BEAR?”. GRANDAD WAS ANGRY IN HIS REPLY. ” DAMM RIGHT YOUR A POLAR BEAR, YOUR MOTHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR FATHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR SISTER IS A POLAR BEAR, I’M A POLAR BEAR AND YOUR GRANDMOTHER IS A POLAR BEAR, — THAT MAKE’S YOU A POLAR BEAR!!

NOT SATISFIED WITH THIS THE YOUNG BEAR SEEKS OUT HIS GRANDMA. “GRANDMA, ARE YOU REALLY, REALLY SURE I’M A POLAR BEAR. GRANNY LOOKED AT HER YOUNG GRANDCHILD WITH WISE EYE’S AND SAID, ” OF COURSE YOUR A POLAR BEAR DEAR. YOUR MOTHER’S A POLAR BEAR, YOUR FATHERS A POLAR BEAR, YOUR SISTER’S A POLAR BEAR, I’M A POLAR BEAR AND YOUR GRANDAD’S A POLAR BEAR, THAT MAKES YOU A POLAR BEAR. WHY ARE YOU ASKINGEVERYONE IF YOUR A POLAR BEAR”?

“BECAUSE I’M FUCKING FREEZING”, SAID THE YOUNG BEAR.

by admin
on Jan 5th, 2007

Laugh at life.

Recently I was asked by a friend if I talked to my girlfriend while I had sex. My reply,” depends on if there’s a phone handy”.

A stunning blond knocked at my door this morning. She said, ” you look realy sexy, would you like to get upstairs quick? “I certainly would”, I said - so she sold me a Stannah stair lift.

My girlfriend works as a cleaner at the local Ministry of Pensions. One day her supervisor and charge-hand inspected the maletoilets. The supervisor noted a stain on the floor and bent down to smell it. “That’s sperm”, she said to the charge-hand. “Never”, was the reply as the charge-hand bent down to feel the stain. “Your right”, she said, “it is sperm”. My girfriend was sent for. The supervisor said to her, “thats a sperm stain on the floor”, “Never, replied my girfriend as she bent down, rubbed her fingure over the stain and tasted the finger in her mouth. “Your right, it is sperm, but you will be pleased to know it nobodies who works here”.

« Prev - Next »