Archive for August, 2010

by admin
on Aug 6th, 2010

quick fit

During my life I married twice. When my first marriage broke up I got custody of my three children which I hail as a great step forward for men as this was in the 70’s.I remarried and had another three children. On my second divorce I got custody of these three as well. This has to be the rarist custody decisions in the history of divorce. I raised the lot single handed as well as remaining fully employed. Man, how my kids looked forward to fried piza and black chips.

I held my first marriage in a garage - so I could back-out easily.

I remember walking down a road in Newcastles West end and this young woman approached me. She said, ” do you want to buy a good time”? I said, “How much”? “£100″ came the reply. I said, “I don’t have that kind of money, I’ll give you ten quid”. She uttered something about being a French skinflint and left. Later that week I was walking down that same street with my second wife. Low and behold the same prostitute approached me again, smiled and said, ” see what you get for ten quid”!!

All my life I have had a dog, no not the same dog, many dogs who I kept all their lives.Today my girlfriend and I have three Labradors. They are all over-weight - not the girlfriend - the dogs. My girlfriend and I took one of them to the vets yesterday because of her weight, the dogs not the girlfriends. The vet did several examinations by various methods, then finally said, “I will need to put his dog down”. Well!!! my girlfriend started crying and nearly passed out with shock.”Why do ou have o put her down” I said crossly, “because its bloody heavy”, said the vet.

Today I got complemented on my driving by someone who left a note to this effect on my windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”.

by admin
on Aug 4th, 2010


You know i was actually invited to the Queens Garden Party. This was seen as a recognition of me work for the Royal College of Nursing as a union steward.It was a grand experience mind you. This was after Booby Thopmson knew Prince Philip of course, but I knew they both raced pigions though.
I turned up at the Palace in my monkey suit hired from “Bona Hire” in Newcastle, a shop run by Julian and his friend Sandy. My, how they trolled together.

Anyhoo, I was met by the Warrant Officer, the doorman who questioned everyone in detail before he let them in. He said, “where you from”? “Newcastle Mate”, I replied. Turned out he was a Geordie as well - no bother getting in.

I was then shown to the tents and food tables and told to help myself. So I did. My God the sandwhiches were small, you needed about 50 of them to form one slice of bread, then they were covered in Gorgi fur. No corned beef or dripping here mates. All fancy cheeses and fish spread thinly into this small area of bread.

This bloke comes up to me and introduces himself, carn’t remember his name now. Turned out he was a Lawyer. He had his wife with him, an intelligent women she was, I knew this because her first words were, “A man once told me”.

This Lawyer said to me, You know she is a constant nag, nag, nag. For two years ever since we met, she has done nothing but nag, nag, nag. Now she wants to know my name!. She’s a dietician you know, she discovered a food that deminishes your sex drive - it’s wedding cake”. “She critices everything about me, always my big feet. I tell her the reason she has small feet compared to mine is so she can fit closer to the kitchen sink”.

“Last week she broke her watch and asked me to repair it. Not likely I said - there’s a clock on the cooker?”

They were hilarious, they should have done a double act.

Mind you I always know when a Lawyer is lying - their lips move.

Everyone lined up for some reason. When I worked it out it was for formal introduction to some member of the Royal Family. The Royalties walked down this formed line saying what they thought appropriate to each visitor they spoke to. They got it right everytime but some of the guests got it badly wrong, making jokes about Di, princes of Wales.

Such lines as

How did Di meet her end - carpool tunnel syndrome

Di does not have a halo - its a sterring wheel on her head.

Thats what happens to a Princess out after 12 midnight - she turns into a concrete pillor

Wipe that merc of your face and Di was on a “crash diet”.
and so on - some people have no taste and no respect for where they are.

Anyway, as a Royal Loyalist I thoroughly enjoyed the day. On the way back my girfriend pointed out vans with funny adverts on them, like

on a builders van - “We Repair what your husband fixed”

That reminds me of the entrance into the labour ward at the Hospital I worked at. On the door it said - Push Push Push.