Archive for December, 2006

by admin
on Dec 1st, 2006

MEMORIES OF THE WAR.

THE TIBUTE BY MY GRANDSON REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WAS FLYING MY SPITFIRE AT 20,000 FEET WHEN I RAN OUT OF PETROL. AS THE LOCAL GARAGE WAS SHUT I HAD TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING AT THE AIRPORT ON SHERRIFF HILL, WHEN MY WARNING LIGHTS SHOWED THAT THE UNDERCARRIAGE WOULD NOT COME DOWN BECAUSE I HAD LOST THE KEY. I RADIOED BASE AND TOLD THEM TO PUT A SET OF PRAMWHEELS ON THE RUNWAY, BUT FIRSTLY TO REMOVE THE BAIRN. I COASTED MY PLANE DOWN TO 10 FEET ABOVE THE RUNWAY , LANDED ON THE PRAMWHEELS AND BROUGHT THE PLANE TO A HALT. DOUGLAS BADER WAS AMAZED WHEN HE HEARD OF MY FEAT. THE RED BARRON TRIED TO OUT-DO ME BY LANDING HIS “FAULKER” ON A SET OF SKATES BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE FORGOT TO TAKE THEM OUT OF THE BOX FIRST AND CRASHED.

 ANY HOO,ALL THIS LEADS ME ONTO A TRUE STORY ABOUT MY FATHER. DURING THE WAR HE TRAINED AS A “COMMANDO”. AT THE END OF HIS TRAINING HIS GROUP WAS ORDERED ON PARADE NAKED ON A FREEZING DECEMBER MORNING IN 19 HUNDRED AND FROZEN TO DEATH. THEY WERE TO BE INSPECTED BY THE CAMP COLONEL. DAD WAS THIRD IN THE FRONT ROW.

THE COLONEL APPROACHED THE FIRST IN LINE. ” ARE YOU A COMMANDO”, HE ASKED THE FIRST MAN. “YES SIR” CAME A FORTHRIGHT REPLY. THE COLONEL THEN TOOK HIS BOOTED FOOT AND BROUGHT IT HEAVILY DOWN ON THE NAKED MANS FOOT.THE MAN NEVER FLINCHED. ”THAT HURT YOU SON?”, THE COLONEL ASKED. “NO SIR”, CAME THE REPLY. “WHY NOT”, ASKED THE COLONEL. “BECAUSE I’M A COMMANDO”, SAID THE SOLDIER.

ARROACHING THE SECOND MAN THE COLONEL SAID, “YOU A COMMANDO SON”? “YES SIR” SAID THE MAN.WITH THIS THE COLONEL TOOK HIS GLOVED FIST AND SLAMMED IT FULL FORCE INTO THE SOLDIER’S FACE. THE MAN NEVER BATTED AN EYELID. “THAT HURT YOU SON?” ASKED THE COLONEL. “NO SIR”, SNAPPED THE SOLDIER. “WHY NOT?”, ASKED THE COLONEL. “BECAUSE I’M A COMMANDO”, SNAPPED THE SOLDIER.

HE THEN CAME TO MY DAD, A BIG GENITAL ERECTION WAS PRESENT DUE TO THE COLD. “YOU A COMMANDO SON”? ASKED THE COLONEL. “YES SIR” REPLIED MY DAD. WITH THIS THE COLONEL TOOK HIS BATTON AND SMASHED IT WITH FULL FORCE OVER THE ERECTION. THERE WAS SCREAMS OF PAIN AND FOUL UTTERINGS. “THAT HURT YOU SON?”, ASKED THE COLONEL. “NO SIR”, SAID MY DAD. “WHY NOT”, ASKED THE COLONEL. “BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE BLOKE STANDING BEHIND ME”, SAID DAD.

by admin
on Dec 1st, 2006

My Grandad the war hero

From a young age my Grandad used to tell me the most elaborate stories, stories about world war 2 and of his brilliant childhood of which I totally envy. These stories were like no other stories that I had ever heard before, they had action, romance, sarcasm and most importantly they were very comical!
 
Some of the stories I would here would be of when he “served” in World War 2. He would tell me “son, you have life easy, back in the war I had to mend my own spitfire 1000 feet in the air. I used to have to fit both wings back on at the same time, with chewing gum! And I was only 14!” This used to make me feel warm inside knowing that my Grandad was a war hero! But i always used to wonder why my primary school teachers used to look at me funny when I told them these stories, I know now of course but it was that they didn’t want to tell me that my Grandad was talking a load of bollox. But at the end of the day, my Grandad was what I thought of him and no-one could change that. And still he ceases to amaze me with his wild stories of which I will always get huge enjoyment out of.

He will always be my hero no matter how old I am. 
 
Darren