Archive for November, 2006

by admin
on Nov 30th, 2006

My girlfriend

MY GIRLFRIEND, EMMERSON , SAID TO ME “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT SEX ENOUGH”. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN”, I REPLIED. “WELL, YOU DON’T TELL ME WHEN YOU WHEN YOU EJACULATE”, SHE SAID. “BUT YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO PHONE YOU AT WORK”, I SAID!
 
LIFE’S FUNNY, ISN’T IT. FOR MONTHS NOW MY EYESIGHT HAS BEEN GETTING STEADILY WORSE. WHEN I GOT UP IN THE MORNINGS TO SHAVE I COULD HARDLY SEE MY REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR. WEEK AFTER WEEK IT GOT STEADILY WORSE. I TELL YOU I WAS WORRIED I WAS GOING BLIND. MY FAITH IN GOD SUDDENLY BLOSSOMED. THIS MORNING WHEN I WENT TO SHAVE MY VISION WAS PERFECT. “IT’S A MIRACLE”! I SAID TO EMMERSON, MY FAITH HAS CAUSED ME TO SEE AGAIN”. 


“DON’T BE STUPID”, EMMERSON SAID, “I’VE JUST CLEANED THE MIRROR”.

by admin
on Nov 8th, 2006

Geordie Humour

I once worked on a mojor injuries ward. One day Prince Phillip visited the ward. He stated he wanted to see the worst cases, not to hide anything from him.

What a challenge to give to me!

I took him to bed No 1. In it lay a patient who had no arms or legs. “Shocking “, said the Prince, “Life must be really hard for this poor man, there cannot be any worse an injury”. “Oh there is your Highness”, I said, and took him to bed No 2. In it lay a patient who consisted of only a head. ” This is appalling”, said the Prince, “Is he alive?”. “I can assure you he is”, your highness. “I am shocked but thankful for medical advances”, said the Prince, “dare I ask if there is a worse case”?. I took him to bed No 3. On the pillow was just two eyes staring up at the Prince. ” Is this man alive?”, said the Prince. “He is indeed”, I replied. “But this is absolutely unimaginable”, said the Prince. “You don’t know the worst yet”,I said, “this patient is blind as well”.

Believe it or not I have an American friend called  Al. K. Traze. He has a girlfriend called Penny Tensury!

When Danny was young I took him on a bus. I said to him, “If the conductor asks tell him your only five”. “But dad I am six years old”, he replied. “Don’t argue”, I said, “If you say your only five you travel free”. The conductor approached us. “One adult to Newcastle”, I said. The conductor looked at Danny. “What about him”, he said. “Oh, he’s only five”, I replied. “Come off it mate, he looks older than five”. “I can assure you he is five”, I said. The conductor was not having it. “How old are you”?, he asked Danny, who spontanious reply was, “I’m five mister”. “Oh ye, said the conductor, “and when are you six?” . “When I get off this bus”, Danny replied.

A little boy said to his Geordie mother who was washing the dishes, ”mammy, why are your hands soft and lovely”? “Cause I’m only 14 yrs old you daft git”, she replied.